I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
