I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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