last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
