I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
