the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
