Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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