Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
