I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
