I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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