I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
