thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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