I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
