I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
