I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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