i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize