Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
