Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize