I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
