No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
