I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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