Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
