i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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