I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
