He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
