No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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