I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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