I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
