i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
