i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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