dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh god it's open bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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