it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
