Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
