Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
