Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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