I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
