Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
