I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
