I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize