He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
