Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
