Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
