i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
