I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
