idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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