Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
