Why is your signature on my underwear?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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