I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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