everyone is single if you try hard enough
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
