boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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