im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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