So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
