I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
