I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
