shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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