Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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