I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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