oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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