God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
