I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
