I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
