Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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