Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Even my vagina gasped.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
